Phone in one hand and pushing the race car with the other, we went over to pet our neighbor’s cat – like we always do on the daily walk.
After being gone for nearly 10 days it feels so right to get back into a routine and have some space to spread out. At the same time, it caused some sadness because in 3 weeks we would be homeless…then what?
I could feel my throat tighten and my heart begin to race a little too fast for my standing still.
We continued around the loop and I found myself in some intense dialogue with God. It’s okay though, He can handle.
Actually He already knows my heart, my hurts, and my hopes, but part of trusting Him with it all – is actually speaking it like I believe He hears.
I believe He does.
“So now what?” I spit out.
“What do you mean now what?” He pushes back.
“I mean, how do I enjoy this time for much longer? I feel like if you would show us the plan…we could enjoy today so much better.”
I knew the second that came out. He was just looking at me like… seriously Jen?
“I’m TIRED and weary and honestly starting to get worried. Sometimes its tempting to give in.”
Oh boy…this was going to be challenged for sure.
He says gently…”Well – you could give in. But you get to choose not too because you surely will regret choosing fear over faith. I promise.”
“You’re right. Always, but this is not comfortable and I know we said we were okay being uncomfortable because we know it’s you stirring this desire for a new Pastoring position…but can we get on with the show?”
Sometimes don’t you just tell God that your annoyed? I do. Our conversations don’t always have to be picnics and popsicles.
“The journey is part of the show.” He holds His ground… “I am weaving your story together and these weeks of waiting will prepare you for what I will give to you.”
“I get that…but how do I stay hopeful when provision is unknown?”
Shoot! There is that doubt again.
“So you are saying you don’t know me?” Spoken with authority.
“NO that’s not what I meant.” Spoken as a bratty child.
Now we are moving into the discipline of a Father I can feel it.
“When have I not delivered?” He called me into question.
“Ummm you have never failed me. So what do I need to do?”
“You remain faithful to me,
true to your belief in my plans,
shining a light on me and my promises that I will fulfill.
That’s what you do. That is what you keep doing.”
How does He do it? In that moment of our conversation, I could feel the Spirit doing battle against the fears I was believing.
“You continue believing me by looking ahead, but not missing today Jenny.”
My driveway came back into view as my daughter pointed out 3 hawks circling overhead…the sign God has given me that He is near and very much at work.
I decided to enter into the rest of my day looking ahead and maybe you need a reset today too.
Don’t be afraid to talk to God as if He were walking around the neighborhood hearing your frustration and feeling your tiredness.
He will give you what you need, even when your faith is weakened and your light dim.
He shines brightly when we just can’t.
Carry on friends!